Where am I from? I'm from Estonia. My parents are Estonian, their parents and grand parents, and so on, were Estonian. So, so was I born Estonian in the year 1987. I lived my first years in Tallinn. However, after the collapse of the Soviet Union a job opportunity in Finland opened up for my father. My parents decided to move to Finland. And we moved into a town on the west coast, called Rauma, the third oldest city in Finland founded in 1442. There I grew up, surrounded by culture and history.
As a little child I learned the language in an instant, and I never really felt anyhow less capable at functioning in the Finnish culture as any other kids. Nevertheless I did live in a fully bilingual and bi-cultural surrounding. My home and my family were Estonian, and everything else - school, friends, hobbies, culture - was Finnish. Looking back at it I'd say it was the highest form of integration: belonging to the new culture and keeping, not forgetting the old culture. Though it should be noted that Finnish and Estonian cultures don't clash that easily.
When I was little, we used to spend our summer and winter vacations in Estonia, visiting our relatives. However when I grew older, my parents didn't drag me with them anymore. Therefore I didn't visit Estonia that often anymore. And if I did visit it, it was with my Finnish friends, as tourists. Because of that, I kind of grew apart from the place where I was from. I sort of forgot what it was like, how it was over there and how it felt to be part of it. I didn't feel like part of it anymore. I felt like it was a culture and a place I didn't belong in anymore. I'm not joking, I kind of felt I wasn't welcome there as a common Estonian anymore.
Therefore I considered myself Finnish, nothing else. But I went to Estonia this summer. I was coming from Prague and Berlin, alone, without a permanent address, only with my backpack. And it changed it all.
I went to my mum's place in Southeast Estonia. She had moved to the countryside. There I lived without a need to know what time it was nor what day it was. Simple. Stress free. Altogether a very lovely way of being. We drove to different cities and places, met family and friends. And in the middle of this I, in a rather romantic way, started developing my national identity as Estonian.
I speak the language! I know how to act in the culture! I know how to behave in social situations! I am a fucking citizen of the country! Why would I ever think I wasn't welcome there??
I have to say, that... I'm happy. I'm very, very happy that I realized and experienced this. I still consider myself Finnish. But now I also consider myself Estonian. I know, it's complicated. But that's often the case with life. Things are not black and white. I don't feel like I wasn't complete or have less than others. I feel like I've been given more.
There are lots of people like me in the world. People, who cannot quite answer where they're from. But that doesn't have to be a weakness. I wish you'd all enjoy the best parts of the life you've been given.
Life is good. :)
